Sleepovers and Separation Anxiety: Helping Your Child Feel Confident and Connected
Sleepovers are often an exciting milestone! They are a chance to build closer friendships, create memories, and they can build confidence and independence. For some children, this can lead to some increased worries or anxiety as the idea of sleeping away from home can feel scary and like a big step. This can be particularly challenging if your child is experiencing, or has a history of separation anxiety. Know that you are not alone, and that many children (even those who do not struggle with worries) can find sleepovers overwhelming.
My name is Bridget Mozina, and I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in Minnesota, and I own my practice called Grow and Thrive Therapy. In my work, I support children around and offer practical strategies to help decrease worries, and work toward our goals: having fun with our friends, while feeling secure and connected to our loved ones, even if they are far away!
What’s Developmentally Appropriate for Sleepovers?
It’s important to know that every child develops emotional independence at their own pace. While some children may be eager by ages 7 or 8 years old, other children may not be ready until later elementary or even middle school, and that’s OK!
The important piece in navigating separation anxiety that you as the parent or caregiver to get a sense of their “readiness” for this next step. Readiness can look like:
Being able to separate from caregivers during the day—sports, school, playdates, other activities
Ability to handle basic self-care tasks independently—brushing teeth, general bedtime routines
Emotion regulation skills—ability to regulate their worries or use strategies to self soothe when big emotions show up
Trust and familiarity with the friend and their family—assess if your child’s friendship is ready for that next step, and how well your child knows their household and rules
If your child is experiencing strong anxiety, frequent nightmares, or struggles with separations during the day, that might be a clue to wait or find ways to practice gradually. It’s important to remember while sleepovers are a fun experience, they aren’t necessarily a developmental requirement. Sleepovers are an opportunity to connect with friends in a new way, but this won’t necessarily negatively impact their friendships in the long run.
5 Strategies to Help with Sleepover Anxiety
Below are 5 strategies that are therapist-approved:
Climb Up the Fear Ladder
Imagine a ladder. The top is the “goal” your child wants to achieve, which may sound like “Staying all night at my friends birthday party”. Then, assess where they are at, which is the bottom of the ladder. Imagine each rung in the ladder is a step toward facing worries and achieving their big goal. Some ladders may be bigger than others, and that’s ok! It’s important for your child to feel successful and be able to face worries that are a little challenging, but still successful. Examples can include:
Have playdates extend into the evening, and pick up before bedtime.
Have a “mock sleepover” where they can camp out in the living room or in a sibling’s room.
Have the friend over at your house first.
Plan Ahead Together
When children know what to expect, and there’s a plan in place, that can help alleviate worries. When there are no expectations, or if they can just “see how it goes” it leaves a lot up to them to figure out what they need. This can increase worries in the long run, and cause set backs. Plans can include:
Letting your child pack comfort items that they love, and ones that they feel connected to you (photos, stuffed animal, a favorite family game, snacks, etc.)
Review bedtime routine, and offer them a way to contact you. You can have this conversation with the friend’s parents too so your child knows everyone is on the same page.
Discuss and write down strategies that will help if they can’t fall asleep or wake up in the middle of the night (deep breaths, ask for help, calming statements)
Normalize Feelings
Let your child know it’s normal to miss home or feel unsure for the first sleepovers. You can say “Your worry is trying to keep you safe because this is a new thing you’re trying - it’s just going to take time for it to get used to it”. You can reference other new things they have tried, or when they have successfully faced other challenges to build their resiliency.
Keep Your Emotions in Check
It’s also important to be mindful of your own reactions and emotions as you are navigating this with your child. You might feel frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed, or worried about your child or what others think. Know these are normal emotions to show up, and it’s hard to see your child struggling or upset.
However, it’s important to keep in mind that children are sensitive to their parents’ emotional cues. If they sense you’re anxious, frustrated, or disappointed, this can trigger their nervous system to say “something’s wrong”, which can actually heighten anxiety.
The best way to handle this is staying grounded yourself:
Take a moment before reacting—You can remind yourself “My calm helps their calm”.
Model emotion regulation—You can say “I feel nervous too when I try new things, let’s figure out a new plan for next time.”
Avoid blaming or pressure—Expectations, comparisons, or trying to convince your child to be ready can give sense that they are failing or not meeting expectations. Recognize effort over results. Remember your love and support isn’t conditional on whether they are able to attend a sleepover.
Practice your own self-soothing— Take three slow deep breaths, remind yourself your child’s timeline is not a reflection of your parenting, and have supports (friends, family, a partner) to discuss your concerns.
When to Take a Step Back
If your child is experiencing panic, physical symptoms (stomachaches or crying), or significant distress leading up to or during sleepovers, it might be a clue to take a pause. As mentioned in the last strategy, forcing participation can make anxiety worse. Instead, you can look at earlier steps in their ladder to keep building confidence.
Supporting Your Child’s Growth
If your child continues to struggle with separation anxiety, therapy can help them (and you) learn tools for managing worry and building independence. At Grow and Thrive Therapy, I use play-based and evidence-informed approaches to help children feel secure, brave, and connected.
Want to work with me?
If you’re looking for a warm, supportive, and evidence-based therapy experience, I’d love to help! At Grow and Thrive Therapy, I work with children, teens, and families to build emotional resilience, strengthen relationships, and create real, meaningful change.
My approach blends Attachment-Based Therapy, IFS, CBT, and DBT, with lots of experiential activities tailored to each client’s needs. I focus on helping young people understand their emotions, build confidence, and develop lifelong coping skills while supporting caregivers every step of the way.
I currently offer:
Individual therapy for children and teens
Parent support & coaching
Social skills and self-esteem groups
Supervision for provisionally licensed therapists
Ready to get started?
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